Mount Everest is 8,848 metres tall. Over the course of 11 days of riding in France, we climbed 9,525 metres in total. For someone that has not been comfortable or ever liked climbing up hills, the last 11 days I have forced me, as a non-climber, to learn to deal with the challenges of climbing big hills. Magazines and books teach you how to climb faster, beat your opponents up a hill, how to climb longer and train harder. All well and good if that is your forte, but not very practical advice for those of us who just want to survive and make it up the hills. Here is a collection of tips and nuggets of wisdom I learnt over the course of climbing up the equivalent of Mount Everest over 11 days…
A Grimpoo’s Handbook – climbing tips for non-climbers
A “Grimpeur” is the French term for a climber. A “Grimpoo” on the other hand is what I’d imagine the French calling someone who sucks at climbing….
The following is my advice to all the Grimpoos out in the world of cycling……
- Buy lots of equipment:
There is nothing worse than the feeling that your equipment is holding you back. That gives you something to blame as you struggle to turn over the pedals up those monstrous climbs. If only you had lighter wheels, a lighter seat, carbon seat rails, carbon bottle holder, lighter bike, lighter handlebars and the lightest gearset etc…. you would be able to fly up those mountains. Once you have bought all the gear, you will have nothing else to blame except yourself for being a slow climber. You need to come to terms with the fact that your own physique is the reason you are a Grimpoo. Accepting the fact is the first step to becoming comfortable with yourself, your mind and the start of learning to enjoy a climb. New gear is always nice, but the lightest acquisition is likely to be your wallet….
2. Get BIG gears:
Most importantly, make sure they put them on the BACK wheel. A big cog on the back wheel (32T for the mechanically minded) will help you spin up the long hills. If you are contemplating long climbs, or just want to be able to get up all hills easier, a larger cog will allow you to spin up most climbs. The majority of bikes in Europe come with large dinner-plate sized cogs on the back wheel and compact cranks, to help everyone get up the mountains. Although it is rare to get a long 2 hour climb in Australia, if you are a Grimpoo, a large gear can help you from feeling that your legs are getting ripped off every time the road points upwards.
3. Learn to love yourself:
As a grimpoo, you are going to be spending a lot of time by yourself on climbs. The others will have tried and failed miserably to pedal as slowly as you up a climb. You will start as a group, and some will start chatting to each other about their lives and forget that you are struggling to breathe while they laugh gaily about SNL or the latest cat video. Caught up in their social interactions, they will ride up and away from you, oblivious to the suffering that has started in your mind and body. Learn to love the sound of your breathing… it will be your constant companion for the rest of the climb. Grimpeurs can climb up a hill silently, efficiently and almost whimsically… that is not the lot of the Grimpoo. Bobbing head, drool, snot and sweat dripping down and over your mouth, the grimpoo’s gloves are salty from wiping the sweat from eyes and snot from a constantly dripping nose. The constant burn and pressure in your thighs and legs remind you that the red zone is close, and if you enter it, the rest of your climb will be hell. It is at this time, that the mechanical, robotic motion of pedalling can help clear your mind, and help you enter an almost meditative state. Alone with your breathing, legs and body working to keep the struggling grimpoo moving upwards along a climb, that is when you start to learn about yourself.
4. Lose weight:
This is what all the books and magazines advise…
I think that if you are out and riding, it will happen anyway. If you are out and riding and you don’t lose weight, you probably don’t need to. If you seriously want to climb faster, and easier than you do now… then losing weight will give you best bang for your buck, but do it only if climbing faster makes you significantly happier than the misery of dieting.
5. Use the whole seat:
As the climb progresses, move all around the seat. Little changes in position will change the pressures on the different muscles. Feel the whole seat… the nose, the back flared part, the middle protrusion on your perineum, sit back, sit forward etc… Just to clarify, It is not a fetish, I didn’t have an itch and it does help!
6. Enter an Event or a ride:
It focuses your training, and makes you get out and ride. If you enter a tour or ride that has a lot of climbing, you will/should train for it. A good thing about joining other people on a ride is social on one hand, and helps you realise how many others there are who complete rides all shapes, sizes, fitness levels and bike types. If you are the slowest rider in a large event, you need to train harder or find a bigger event….. All the riders I joined on the Bikestyle Tour of France completed all the climbs… we just did it at different speeds….
7. Enjoy the climb:
Even as a grimpoo, it is possible to enjoy the climb. Look around instead of staring at your front wheel, no matter how locked into that position you feel. Unclench your teeth and just keep climbing. Forget speed, power or cadence and ride at your own pace. You are on the climb, likely to be there longer than anyone else, so you may as well enjoy it…. but it will take a conscious effort to do so.
It would be nice to float up a climb, chat with a fellow rider while riding up Mont Ventoux or dance on the pedals when the gradient pitched upwards… that is however, for the grimpeurs.. the true climbers of the cycling world. I still make it up the climbs, I have started to enjoy it more and I feel a kinship with the big group of riders of the Tour de France (Gruppetto) made up of sprinters, puncheurs, rouleurs and riders just trying to make the cut off time in the mountainous stages as they watch the climbers disappear into the clouds.
CHAMONIX
Chamonix was to be our base for the next 4 nights. A popular ski resort during winter, it is still a bustling town during the summer as a stunning summer retreat. Surrounded by mountains and Mont Blanc, the sun continues to reflect off the peaks at 9pm.
From Chamonix, we rode across the border into Finhault (Switzerland) to climb the Barrage d’Emosson (Emosson Dam) and to watch Stage 17 of the TDF. We met some very colourful characters, including Obelix, one of my favourite comic book characters from childhood.
The next day was a ride from Chamonix to Sallanches for the start of the final Time trial (Stage 18) and to watch the riders come past one by one in a race against the clock. I met a pretty amazing guy on the side of the road who had rode his homemade bike all over the world, including a 450km ride in Japan… a real life example of “you can’t tell a book by it’s cover”!
Our final ride in the Alps was a choice between a rainy day ascent (and hence descent) of the Col du Joux Plane, or a more picturesque ride to a meadow surrounded by waterfalls. The mountain goat musketeers of Sir Modesty, Sir Mark and Sir GoLooHard braved the tough climb up the Col du Joux Plane and had what sounds like an awesome descent down freshly surfaced road back off the mountain. Sir Barter Card, Sir Askalot and I on the other hand, decided to brave the undulating roads to Cirque Fer a Cheval where an amazing sight greeted us :
After the final day in the Alps, the KnOBs returned with Bikestyle Tours back to Paris on the TGV to watch the final stage of the TdF.
Watching the riders whizz by at 60-70km/h along a bumpy cobblestoned road was a huge buzz. Marcel Kittel had issues with his bike right in front of Bart and I, where he threw his bike on the road in a rage, received a replacement bike with a malfunctioning rear wheel, ripped off the rear wheel and threw it on the road where it bounced into a passing car, and then raged on his bike as he mashed the pedals to catch up with the rest of the peloton which was doing its best to stay away from him…. the fact that he caught back up with the peloton doing those speeds is a testament to how good a rider he is….
And we had another 10 seconds of playing where’s the KnOB!!!
As the TdF and our Tour in France reached their conclusions, we turn once again to the fun we had, the friends we made and the experiences we shared on this amazing trip with the KnOBs.
Knobbly Bits:
The KnOBs made it back safely home, and Sir Askalot continued a bit longer on an extended tour of Europe. We shared many beers, feasts, rides and camaraderie and it was an amazing trip climbing a small portion of the mountains in France. Friendships were made and strengthened and I would be remiss if I didn’t at least finish with some memorable quotes from Sir Askalot….
- “Where is Mount Blank from Char-my-Knicks?” – Apart from making the usually romantic sounding Chamonix sound like burnt underwear, we were on a cable car with a fairly clear view of a big white mountain… To be fair, there were a lot of mountains around us, but he had the cable car in stitches.
- On arriving in Paris, we were poring over a map of Paris, trying to figure out where to go, when Sir Askalot pipes up.. “whereabouts is the French quarter?” The answer from the KnOBs was: “it’s all French mate….” before dissolving in howls of laughter..
Back to reality, back to normality… the KnOBs on Tour may have finished but will be fondly remembered…
Your move… go book something:)
Pete
Piccolo Pete Cycles 
WOOT!
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Well done my friend. Please return home safely.
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